You are Visitor No.
A quick round up of the films I watched for the first time during June. Yes, I know some of them are older films, but I’d never seen them before now…
When the lights are turned off and the doors are locked, chaos reigns supreme for the products in this grocery store.
What I thought of it:
A new film showed up on the schedule of Kids AM at the cinema, so I jumped at the chance to entertain Xan on a rainy Saturday morning with a trip to the movies.
Did I say entertaining? I suppose Xan seemed to enjoy it well enough, but I hated every second of it. I’d never heard of it before – and there’s a reason for that! The animation is terrible – jerky, unnatural movement, sloppy mouth movements that often do not match the dialogue (they’re just generic lip flapping most of the time), and an unfinished look to the characters that make it seem like the production ran out of time and money to finish things off as they should have been.
There are recognisable names involved as the vocal stars, but they all sound like they just phoned in their performances, and in particular, Lloyd turns in a carbon copy of his character from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Xan only really paid attention to about half of the film, which is unusual as he LOVES going to the cinema and always sits nicely and pays attention to what’s happening on the screen. If even a three-year-old isn’t engaged by this inane nonsense, it doesn’t bode well for older children and certainly indicates a period of abject torture for the adults.
(Rating for adults is 1, but for kids its 3, so an average of 2 – but really, don’t bother with it – it’s dire!)
I thought I’d get all caught up with the films I’ve seen but not yet reviewed in one go, so here they all are – my medley of mini movie reviews!
Director: Guy Ritchie
Stars: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Jared Harris, Noomi Rapace
Synopsis: Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick Dr. Watson join forces to outwit and bring down their fiercest adversary, Professor Moriarty.
Review: Explosive, visually superb, and a lot of fun. Better than the first film by virtue of RDJ neglecting to mumble (hurrah!). Jam-packed full of action with brilliantly devised slow-motion sequences which are then relayed in real time to great effect.
Synopsis: Three high school friends gain superpowers after making an incredible discovery. Soon, though, they find their lives spinning out of control and their bond tested as they embrace their darker sides.
Review: A simple premise and shot in shaky hand-held camera documentary style, this really hits the mark with top-notch visual effects that manage to look completely natural and performances that are completely unforced. Well worth watching, if only to play guess-who’s-going-to-go-all-Carrie and feeling that anything really is possible!
Synopsis: A Prince, an ordinary girl. And a very British love story.
Review: Made-for-TV and it shows. Low production values, people who look and sound very little (if anything) like the people they are portraying. A plodding, pedestrian, cash-in-quick scheme for Royalists around the globe. Should have been pitched into the abyss rather than to the production team who green lit the project.
Synopsis: In Italy, a woman becomes involved in a series of unauthorized exorcisms during her mission to discover what happened to her mother, who allegedly murdered three people during her own exorcism.
Review: Bad. Awful. Sucky on a major scale. Poor performances and the real-life-documentary-shaky-hand-held-cameras style that has been done to death recently, as this film tries to cash in on the style of the popular Paranormal Activity series. It fails. Dismally. There are some uncomfortable moments during exorcisms with bone cracking contortions, but there’s nothing new here and nothing particularly scary or shocking. Avoid at all costs.
Synopsis: Pirate Captain sets out on a mission to defeat his rivals Black Bellamy and Cutlass Liz for the Pirate of the year Award. The quest takes Captain and his crew from the shores of Blood Island to the foggy streets of Victorian London.
Review: Loved the book, but despite the wealth of voice talent, the film was slightly disappointing. Not nearly so many laughs as you might expect from Aardman Animations (the people behind Wallace and Gromit). A few giggles and playing spot-the-voice redeem this a little, and the kids will enjoy it, but not much for the adults this time round.
Synopsis: Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. brings together a team of super humans to form The Avengers to help save the Earth from Loki and his army.
Review: With Whedon at the helm, you’d think this would be all kinds of awesome, and the trailer indicated it would be. It wasn’t. We saw this in the IMAX Newcastle and wish we hadn’t forked out for more than regular 2D. Pointless inclusion of Black Widow to provide a little eye candy for the boys, and thin plot. Good special effects and performances drag this out of the doldrums. The Iron Man films are still the best of this franchise. A little disappointing, but mindlessly entertaining in parts.
Synopsis: Upon moving into the run-down Spiderwick Estate with their mother, twin brothers Jared and Simon Grace, along with their sister Mallory, find themselves pulled into an alternate world full of faeries and other creatures.
Review: Based on the popular series of books, this is a fun family film with great visuals and fabulous vocal talents. The child stars are convincing and the story engaging. Definitely one to entertain the kids on a rainy afternoon, but one the adults won’t mind too much either.
Synopsis: An evil queen steals control of a kingdom and an exiled princess enlists the help of seven resourceful rebels to win back her birthright.
Review: Visually stunning with vibrant colours everywhere and Roberts as the Wicked Queen, the trailer looked like it would be funny, or at least fun. It was not. The distractions of Roberts’ inconsistent accent, Hammer’s hamminess, and Collins’ massively overgrown eyebrows detract from what little there is. And then the whole thing is made worse by a bog Bollywood number at the end that doesn’t fit with the style of the rest of the movie. Fail.
Synopsis: Centers on a young girl who has been murdered and watches over her family – and her killer – from heaven. She must weigh her desire for vengeance against her desire for her family to heal.
Review: I hated the book, but the film wasn’t half as bad. In hands other than Jackon’s, this might have sucked royally, but it’s watchable fare, even if you didn’t like the book. Wahlberg turns in a surprisingly convincing performance as the grieving father, and Weisz came close to moving me to tears as the mother. Tucci is convincingly creepy, and Ronan naively sweet. Some very pretty dreamlike sequences cleverly meld the real world with that of limbo.
Synopsis: The Nazis set up a secret base on the moon in 1945 where they hide out and plan to return to power in 2018.
Review: Riduculously hammy and fun. If you need a reason to watch, here’s a big one – Moon Nazis! Need another? Udo Kier! The effects are excellent and the action set pieces brilliant. The performances are pure ham and cheese but it suits the film exactly. A surprisingly good watch. If you’ve nothing else to do, give this a try – it’s worth it for the hilarious president alone!
Sequel to Journey to the Centre of the Earth (2008).
17-year-old Sean Anderson receives a coded distress signal from a mysterious island where no island should exist. Unable to stop tracking the signal, he sets out with a small group on a journey to the mysterious island – a place few people have ever seen or lived to tell about. What they find is an island of stunning beauty, strange and threatening life forms, volcanoes, mountains of gold and more than one astonishing secret.
What I thought of it:
I saw the first movie some time ago and rather enjoyed it (so sue me, I adore Brendan Fraser!), and this sequel, although missing Mr Fraser, does feature Josh Hutcherson (the kid in the first film) and has bonus kudos in the form of class act, Michael Caine. Oh, and The Rock is in it too. Sorry, Dwayne Johnson, as he now prefers to be known.
Actually, I’m not even being sarcastic about Mr Johnson’s presence because he’s actually a fun addition to the cast, adding a well-balanced blend of good comedy timing and common-sense-Father-Figure-who-might-just-save-the-day. He also has a surprisingly pleasant singing voice.
No, your eyes did not deceive you – you read that correctly. The Rock sings in this movie, but don’t worry, its brief and, as I already mentioned, not unpleasant.
Now to the plot. It’s adventure by numbers really, but the threads holding it all together are from the classic novel The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne, and there’s some cleverness in how they come to find the island that is very inventive. There are elements of other Verne novels present too, so there’s always the chance that some of the kids who see this film might just decide to pick up the books and try them too, which is always a good thing.
It’s a nicely entertaining way to spend an hour and a half on a rainy afternoon with the kids and there’s something in it for everyone – for the kids, there’s the sheer adventure, spectacle and excitement of it all; for Dads there’s Michael Caine (after all, a film can’t be too bad if it has Sir Michael in it!); and for the Mums who like that sort of thing, there’s The Rock popping his pecs. Admittedly, I’m not one of the Mums who lusts after Mr Johnson and his seemingly independently mobile muscles, but I still had a giggle at the scene that was obviously put in for the 3D viewers (we saw it in 2D).
There are much worse ways to kill some time and you might find you actually enjoy it more than you expected. I certainly did. And if it leads to you reading those classic adventure tales to your kids, or to them picking them up for themselves, then you’ve got many more happy hours filled in the future to boot!
Paris,1910. Emile, a shy movie projectionist, and Raoul, a colorful inventor, find themselves embarked on the hunt for a monster terrorizing citizens. They join forces with Lucille, the big-hearted star of the Rare Bird cabaret, an eccentric scientist and his irascible monkey to save the monster, who turns out to be an oversized but harmless flea, from the city’s ruthlessly ambitious police chief.
What I thought of it:
A wonderful blend of The Hunchback of Notre Dame and The Phantom of the Opera (coincidentally both also set in Paris!) with a touch of Frankenstein and a dash of Beauty and the Beast. The animation is gorgeous, the storyline superbly executed, and it features a song that should have been nominated for the Best Original Song at the Oscars (La Seine – it should have won it too!).
Featuring the vocal talents of Vanessa Paradis and Sean Lennon (whch blend beautifully, by the way), this is the perfect antidote to a rainy afternoon for kids and adults alike. I took Xander to see this at the cinema and he’s done nothing but talk about it and ask to see it again ever since – he’s even asked me to sing La Seine for him on numerous occasions and has started joining in with it too!
Of course, we saw the English version, but I’m certain the original French version is just as wonderful.
And for your listening pleasure, here is the English version of La Seine:
Director: Baltasar Kormákur
Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Giovanni Ribisi, Kate Beckinsale, Ben Foster
Chris Faraday once smuggled illegal items or contraband into the country on freighters. He left that life behind, got married has a family and went legit. But when his brother-in-law got involved with Briggs, a drug dealer and when he blew a deal, Briggs demands restitution which he can’t deliver. So Chris offers to find a way to pay him but the he threatens Chris’ family if he doesn’t deliver. So he gets on a freighter destined for Panama and he sets out to bring back some counterfeit currency. Briggs “goes to see” Chris’ family. When Chris learns of this he asks his friend Sebastian to take care of them which he does. He tells Chris that it would be better to bring drugs instead of the cash.
What I thought of it:
Once upon a time, there was an actor called Giovani Ribisi, and if you saw his name in a cast list, you were pretty much assured of a quirky, indie film with a strong performance from this guy. Then he went mainstream and started churning out the same character time and time again. Usually a drugged up scumbag. Here he is, as a drgged up, drug-dealing scumbag. It’s now Ribisi by numbers.
And of course, we have the least talented of the Wahlbergs taking the lead (one of his brothers is also in this film, but alas, Donnie isn’t the one as someone like him might have been able to add a possibly film-saving spark!). Marky Mark (who akways tries to leave behind his Funky Bunch persona) doesn’t act – he just frowns his way through the plot in an unconvincing manner and, unfortunately, has absolutely no chemistry with Beckinsale (who plays his wife). How can someone not have chemistry with kate Beckinsale? For crying out loud, she’s hot as Hell! I’m straight as can be and even I fancy her!
The plot is basically Gone in 60 Seconds, but without the cars and without any real structure (coincidentally, Ribisi was in that film too – I sense a pattern…). It was dull, dull, dull and there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this movie at all.
Avoid at all costs.