Dear Spammers,

It has recently come to my notice that my e-mail in-box is becoming clogged with spam of varying types:

  1. I get a lot of offers for Viagra. Please note I am not, nor have I ever been, male, and therefore have no problem with maintaining an erection on the basis that I have no male genitalia in the first place. Since Viagra is a drug specifically designed to help with this problem, it seems a waste of your time to send me information on this. Should my circumstances change, be sure that I will contact our own medical practitioner for advice.
  2. Dr Mercola – I’m sorry, I have my own doctor and she is very nice. I’d rather go to her for any prescriptions I might need, so I won’t be requiring your services, nor will I need Private Phone Access to You this Monday, but it was kind of you to offer.
  3. Have the best meds at hand! See my reply to Dr Mercola. Thank you.
  4. Athens Financial Group Ltd – I’m flattered that you would think of me for the vacancy at an international financial company, based on my extremely limited experience working in the financial industry. My 13 months at a bank was more than enough for me and I have vowed never to work in that industry again. I’m not sure how you would know whether I am a suitable candidate, as I know I have never sent you my CV, nor have I listed it on a job-hunting site, so you must have mind-readers or computer hackers on your staff.
  5. Penis Extension / Make her moan – As I have already mentioned I do not have a penis, therefore there is no need for me to have an extension at this time. I would also like to point out that I am happily married to a man and am actually heterosexual and not engaged in a sexual relationship with anyone of the female gender. Therefore, I can only assume that by “make her moan” you are implying that I should want to annoy some poor woman so much that she openly complains about me. I’d prefer it if that didn’t happen, as I’m actually a very happy and friendly person who generally gets on well with others.
  6. Be a Sperm Man with sh*tloads of sperm – I have no plans to change my gender from female to male, and even if I did, I would lack the necessary body-parts to create sperm in the first place (see items 1 and 5), therefore rendering me incapable of increasing its level of production. Thanks for the offer, though – I’ll keep it in mind.
  7. Foreign Multi-Millionaires – I’m dreadfully sorry about your recent loss of a family member; the inheritance of several million pounds can be little comfort to you without your loved-one. However, I’d rather you didn’t offer me a portion of it in exchange for letting you transfer your money into my account to get it out of your country, as I fear temptation may overtake me, causing me to withdraw ALL the money and go on a wild spending spree, which would no doubt be in violation of any agreement you would wish to make. I am also currently without the available funds to send you in order for you to set up such a transaction, not having inherited several million pounds myself. I’m also more than a little wary of giving out my bank details to complete strangers, so I think I shall have to pass on your very generous offer. I am sure that some other gullible fool kind soul will be able to help you with your predicament.
  8. Various banks and financial establishments – You seem to have me confused with someone else of a similar name, as I do not have an account with any of you, nor do I conduct my banking over the internet (although I am fully aware that I am in a fast-shrinking minority these days), therefore your request for me to confirm my bank details with you is rather pointless, as you would have no information with which to confirm it. I wish you the best of luck in locating a customer of your establishment, as I am sure they will stupidly happily comply.
  9. Upgrade your account on Paypal / Ebay – I do have accounts with you, but I can update them directly though the site without you sending me fake new forms to complete direct from my email, giving you direct access to all my financial information. I’m sure you’ll understand my hesitation in complying with your wishes, as I’ve been told a lot of scams work this way, so forgive me if I just hit “delete” when your messages arrive.
  10. Question from Ebay member – I’m not currently selling anything on Ebay, nor am I involved in any online auctions at the moment, therefore I see no reason that you would want to contact me. Please stop sending me multiple e-mails with requests for information, as I’m not going to reply!
  11. Chain letters from friends and family – I’m so pleased that you all think I’m a lovely / sweet / wonderful / gorgeous / sexy / friendly person and I’m touched that you think so much of me as to want to tell me, but I get rather a lot of them and I’m afraid my ego may grow to the size of Texas if I get any more! My head is in danger of swelling like a balloon if I’m sent another rose to remind me how great I am, and I now have so many that I’d be sending entire bouquets of them if I passed them forward, as requested, to everyone I love. Please know that I value your friendship and think the world of you too, but please don’t get mad or upset when I delete the message without replying as I get so many of them that they’re now in danger of stopping my normal messages from getting through! On the other hand, if you ever want to drop me a line of a more personal nature, I will grin like a maniac over the fact that someone has taken the time to compose something specifically for me and will most definitely reply with a thoughtful thank you and a reciprocal message.

This barely scratches the surface of the amount of e-mail I’m receiving on an almost daily basis. My spam folder does not catch it all and if I were to print them all out, I would cause the deforestation of entire continents!

I hope you don’t mind me replying to you all at once like this, but I’m so busy trying to sort through my correspondence that it’s the only way I can possibly deal with it all. Please do your bit and remove me from your multi-send group lists and give me a break so I can get on with other, more important things.

Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
Kell Smurthwaite
(The Domestic Goddess)


One response to “Spam-a-lot

  1. You tell ’em! Funny how most of the junk email to change passwords comes to an email that is not associated with that account in the first place.