I actually enjoy a good Bond film, at least, I did until that unsuitable blonde-ish guy got cast in the role – that’s where it all went wrong for me, really – but there are quite a few things wrong with the Bond series. Here are my top seven:
001: What woman in her right mind would allow herself to be seduced by Commander Bond? He’s a chauvinistic, misogynist git of the highest order and is probably riddled with disease from the amount of casual and seemingly unprotected sex with hundreds of different women. I’m especially appalled at the amount of female enemy spies who succumb to his charm – surely they’re trained to expect this sort of thing and use it to their advantage? IDIOTS!
002: What kind of agent allows himself to be captured just because the bad guy has a gun pointed at someone else’s head? Whatever happened to the art of detachment? What about a sense of duty to your country? Surely a spy should put the mission first, even if it means sacrificing the bird they picked up an hour ago and shagged twice just for the hell of it? Let the villain put a bullet through her numb skull – she deserves it for letting Bond get his equipment anywhere near her in the first place and it’s probably better than the long, drawn out suffering she can expect from extensive contact with his nether regions.
003: What kind of super-villain captures the enemy spy, ties him up, explains the intricate details of his nefarious plans, then leaves him alone to affect a daring escape while the lasers that are supposed to snuff him out warm up? A not-so-super one, that’s what! I, however, would make an excellent villain. After sneaking up and capturing the enemy spy, I would delicately place the muzzle of the pistol against the base of their skull and oh-so-gently squeeze the trigger, painting the floor in front of them an exciting shade of brain. No soliloquies, no gloating, just a swift, clean execution as befits an enemy of mine. They don’t need to know all my plans and neither do any others who may be lurking nearby trying to take notes.
004: How the hell do the villains manage to build massive sub-volcanic cavernous lairs without anyone noticing? Does nobody see the builders moving in and question where all that expensive state-of-the-art equipment is going to? Or do they just happen upon them, fully formed and move in? Do they have a special removal firm called “Villains R Us” to transport all their gear after getting everyone to sign a secrecy agreement? I’d love to see that: “Well, Mr Bad-Guy, we can move you in the morning of the twelfth, but I can’t do it before then, mate!”
005: Your average Joe (or Jane) on the street instantly knows how to use all kinds of sophisticated weaponry despite never having had any training. They can just whack in the magazine, chamber a round and start shooting willy-nilly. They also instantly become crack-shots and are able to “cover” the hero whilst he runs around setting off his many gadgets.
006: Bond never forgets anything. You never hear him suddenly swear because he’s just remembered he left the exploding pen in his other jacket or forgot to wear his rappelling belt that morning. And he’s able to improvise eloquently and slide down a wire without a harness and without ripping his hands to shreds whilst a screaming girlie hangs around his neck without throttling him.
007: Nobody ever gets stuck for words – they’re always ready with a wise-crack on the spur of the moment. You never see Bond walking away and then realising five minutes later what he should have said that would have been so clever if he’d thought of it on time. Does he rehearse in front of the mirror, preparing himself for every eventuality so he’ll always have a quip to roll off the tip of his tongue?
So, there you go, a few reasons why Bond is just a bit crap, even though I like the odd bit of escapism now and then. Anyone fancy adding some more to my list?